Nothing.

Just something... Needed a place to host a picture for someone.

Good bye

Oh dear forgotten blog.... How i have forsaken thee...

*Sighs* I dont post anymore. Not even my post secret stuff (which to be honest, hasn't been that great lately...) I didn't mean to (not post anymore). It's just been that sort of year. In some ways worse than even year 12 was. Not in all but in some. At least school managed to keep me in check. Not very well by the end. But apparently it was still something.

Anyhow, in 13 minutes i will be 20. And the scariness of that has begun to fade. At least for now. Part of my problem is that when im happy, or excited i expect things to go- Well to say i expect things to go marvelously, amazingly, astoundingly would be an understatement. It would seem i have quite an imagination on me- which, perhaps a little ironically, is totally incompatible with my writting skills. My stories speaked in quality at grade 6. Anyhow, i not only expect fantastic things but when im scared of something... I become terrified. "I'll throw up any minute" terrified because i expect the absolute worst. And when im apathetic or i've given up... I've really trully given up.

Well im not too sure what that last rambling paragraph was about except perhaps a bout of self-realisation and a hope that now that i'm out of my teens i'll stop. Or decrease those crazy swinging emotiongs just a little.

And in the hope that i'll finally grow up, just a little i think i'll end this blog. I had always intented to end it and start a new one when i felt things were about to change. Well im about to be 20 and whether or not they're about to they should.

And today seems as lovely a day as any to do it. I remember a post a while aago stating that no matter how i feel watching Bridget Jones will always make me smile. That's still true. And right now it's raining. All on the eve of my birthday: yay.

I've always hated change. Always, always, always. And due to that hate, or fear or it, and perhaps just plently of good luck i've never had to face much of it. I was able to hold on to anything i wanted.

Today I leave my crazy, sleep deprived ramblings with a smile.
So here's to change.

Its been a while since i've written. Okay, not really, but lately i've just been thinking about writting something again.

Lately i've been extremely surprised and impressed by the ingenuity of a... pigeon. Yup. Honestly i couldn't believe how smart it was. A week or two ago i was in coffee HQ dining area, waiting for helen (i think it was the day i came JUST for my stupid global lecture only to find out it was cancelled because everyone "felt like it" in the previous lecture (don't you just love arts?)- which, by the way, I missed because i had to had in my already late bio essay! I mean really! No, no... the world is NOT out to get me) ... Anyway waiting for helen who's lecture ended up finishing early, and who i ended up missing anyway, BUT while i was waiting i noticed a pigeon walking around. Now you know how crazy birds get when they accidentally get inside a building, how much the freak out and how much they can hurt themselves trying to get out.... So i thought "Oh no... poor pigeon". That poor pigeon calmly walked around for a little while before taking flight and easily flying out of a set of DOUBLE automatic doors. I would have been impressed with 1, but 2 doors which had to be open simultaneously. It timed it so perfectly.
Haha. Perhaps uni pigeons happen to be smarter than the average ones. ^^

It's incredibly narcissistic to believe that the world in some way (even if its rather small) revolves around you, gives a damn about you, implies certain things, and decides to either work with or against you... But if over the last few weeks the world hasn't been sending me a fairly strong message about something then... Well either i've gotten hypersensitive and began over-interpreting conversations and events over the last little while (doubtful), or things are big on occurring coincidentally in my life.

*Yawns* Let it never be said that im not one stubborn douchebag.

I had a fairly crappy morning which probably would have continued into a fairly crappy day had i not been forced out of the house by the necessity of finding some edible food which was totally accomplished with chilli noodles in a box at Elsternwick (the only noodles in a box i like and/or trust).

Then all of sudden i decide i want some McDonalds icecream. That is a rare decision since McDonalds icecream is really nothing special but recently, for a while, i had been seeing this advertisement about a cookie fudge sundae. (Now, ages ago i had a mud muffin fudge sundae which was exactly as its name indicates-> and it was f@&&#(ing FANTASTIC. Exactly the same for this sundae except replace the mud muffin with a chocolate chip muffin.) So everytime i would see that ad (actually only at the Melbourne Central McDonalds i'd always decide to get it but for one reason or another i never had). So today i all of sudden decided "Damn it! I want that ice cream!". Theres a McDonalds at Elsternwick- they dont have it. Fine so i decide to go to the city (afterwards i had to go to Caulfeild library anyway so it wasnt that big of a circle). McDonalds on Swanston doesn't have it, on Burke doesn't have it, the one at Melb Central is closed and the one right beside Victoria Market.... finally does have it and im happy. But keep in mind i walked all of that, and had gone for a walk after eating the noodles before deciding i wanted that icecream. ^^

After the noodles i ended up going for a walk (it's a really, really pretty area) and ended up at Caulfield Grammar, which i decided to walk around given that i was an inch away from going there (had i not gone to SMGS). With that whole reunion letter from our crap hole, and being at Caulfield Grammar i started to wonder if i wouldn't have been happier had things worked out the other way round....

Back then i never really wanted to go to Caulfield. A lot of the bitches i knew from primary school went there after grade 6 (and i sincerely didn't want to be with them) but i dont know... It's a gorgeous campus- much nicer than ours. They have vending machines damnit! Everywhere! Even in the year 12 study room (which is less nice that ours, but im sure thats also because it's older which means they've had it for longer). It's actually quite lovely, and im sure without the hell of Exodus.

Oh and i also (after getting my ice cream) rode the Ferris Wheel in the city. It is absolutely lovely at night, and quite fun in terms of being scared because when you first get on, being at that height does get me :)

Something i've been thinking about lately: Guys who are good at dancing. I dont care how long you have danced, and i dont care how good a lead you think you are- you cannot lead me through a bunch of steps i do not know! When i say "I cant dance with you, i dont know the steps at all" im not lying! And yet all i get in reply is "Dont worry, just follow me". And not just from Stewart at Monash. You're not that good a lead! If i know the steps but dont get how it works out in terms of movement; sure, lead away. But otherwise: quit being so cocky!

And as racist and bigoted as this may sound... All i have to say is: I calls it like i sees it.

So today and friday i was on the train. On Friday it was 3 aboriginal kids... And i use the term kids loosely because i would say they were in their late teens- talking about banks and deposits. Tonight it was a group of black kids, 14-18, i dont know...

Both times "Oy. What the fuck are you looking at? Look some where else mate. Do you like people staring at you? What the fuck are you looking at?"

No one was staring at them. Someone might have glanced their way THATS all. I mean dear god. Way to discredit all the stereotypes. Power to you!

I cannot believe the cockyness, the extent of the confrontational tone, the idiocy of starting all that they did and swearing as much as they did because someones was LOOKING at them. Are you that retartedly insecure? Trust me- no one really cares about you. No one is really judging you. Every once in a while you'll be in someones like of sight, you fuckwits!

Oh and when one of the aboriginal girls went "Look out the window. Why do you think God invented windows?" I couldn't help but start to smile which of course got her started on me. Yes, God invented windows... Along with toilets and McDonalds.

What/who we are is so very little a matter of choice...

Is it? Im not trying to be profound, it's just that sometimes it feels like... life gives you no choice. No matter how hard you fight to get something, how much hope you start out with, how damned much you try some things just wont happen...

Maybe for a reason. Maybe by way of random chance.

And if we are all shaped by the events/interactions in our lives, and certain things just wont happen... Then doesn't that mean we have no control over who we are/who we will become?

And thats both depressing and a little scary.

Nothing's happened... other than the fact that it's been one of those days. Not one of the bad ones where everything goes to hell, just one of those days....

Whatever.

Some notes about it all:

Re: Cheating

-----Email Message-----Sent: Sunday, August 05, 2007 2:01 AMSubject: In response to "Centreville HS Valicitorian"

We all did. You just pulled it off better.

-----Email Message-----Sent: Sunday, August 05, 2007 2:50 PMSubject: Re: Cheating Valedictorian

I never cheated once in my entire academic career.I missed out on high school valedictorian by 0.04 GPA points.I've never regretted it

-----Email Message-----Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 4:14 AM

Dear Frank, I once sent you a postsecret with the words "I am not as happy as I seem" I have a small favor to ask of you...I want you to rip it up and throw it away. I'm changing and hopefully, this change will stay with me. Either way, I'm not unhappy anymore and I would really appreciate it if that memory of unhappiness be gone. (Consider it done. -Frank)

*Sighs* When im happy, or at the very least content, i seem to revert back to my old super neurotic self and stress and bitch and whine about the never ending trivialities of my life. If it's easy i go about in making it far more difficult that it should ever be. If it's hard, i dont really have time to whine and bitch but i am stressed up to no end (of course it all depends on how important this "hard" thing is to me). And when im depressed, im apathetic. I dont care much for myself or the world... I distance myself from my own life and in a way look at it objectively (even philosophically at times), but mainly i just propose a number of reasons it could be far worse (I could be pregnant, in a war (WWII style), in scientology or another type of cult, with a drug problem, with a drinking problem...)

A little while ago I realised that the world i see in my head is far more beautiful than anything that reality could ever hope to produce. Every single one of my expectations... You know about what high school would be like as an example... Was far more perfect and peachy and rosy than reality could hope to compete with. It's like, you know that REALLY gorgeous autumn day you will get once a year? Where there are bright blue skies, and a shining sun, and all the trees are red and gold and the leaves swirl slowly down about you, and there just an occasional light breeze... It's like every single one of my expectations has that background to it. And the truth is that day will come only once a year, if even that, and you cant hate the rest of the year in comparison to that one day nor do you have any right to expect that everything will have that day as a backround to it.

But the thing is i cant stop it... And im not even sure what caused it. Reading too much fiction? Being too bored too often and having a over-active imagination? So i go about generally being disappointed- a little or a lot, depending on how exctied i was and to the degree which reality sucked. It's really only the things i was apathetic towards, or even didnt want to go, that have the chance of suprising me, and rarely delighting me, by exceeding my expectations...

*Sighs* I dont know what brought this on really. There's just a girl (that i dont even really know- she lives in Hong Kong) and i only know she through someone else i know) that was and is so much above my neuroticism and daily, petty stressing- even in 2004.

Anyhow. Not to depart from myself or change too much... Apparently i have a supplementary exam for physiology (All year everyone convinced me that THERE WAS NONE and if you fail physio you have to spend a YEAR REPEATING IT). So when i got my 44NS i was all "Whatever. There is no supplementary exam" Well evidently there is. And it's on Wednesday. Lovely.

However i recognise that it's really a rather trivial problem that will pass as soon as wednesday is over. I still dont know what to do about it, but im guessing i'll end up going........ Most likely..... Hm.

*** Weeks later: I didn't end up going. Had other stuff to do due to leaving things till the last minute- had NO time to study, was unwilling to skip any of my lectures and the like. And ultimately it wasn't worth much. Only some crazy science elective worth 6 points. How a science elective varies from a normal elective, I dont know, but whatever. And according to some letter monash sent me im getting credit for everything-even the things i failed.... O.o

If someone had told me that come uni "sleeping in" for me would involve waking up at 7.30 i would have slapped them. And yet, that is the way it is people. (But im still happier about it all than shitty pharmacy!)

Im a little tired. I have a TON of stuff to do- I haven't begun my biology essay, it's due beginning of September so i only have August and i will have to share the books, journals and papers with 50 other people SO I BETTER FREAKING BEGIN. I wasted the last number of however many weekends. Been reading/"studying" but not making proper notes which is what i really need to do so i need to begin doing THAT. And i twisted my ankle, missed an econ tutorial test which i will have to make up tomorrow. *Sighs*

But i dont have lab today so it's not quite SO bad :) And you know given the twisted ankle, me going home for all my annoyingly long breaks has been working out pretty good. I should do it more often. I mean remaining and trying to study (especially if i really need to) is a good idea but being at uni from 8-4/5 is REALLY quite tiring. No amount of coffee can save me at my final lecture- especially if it's econ (my most difficult understanding and taking notes lecture).

It's really quite amazing to what extant pharmacy lowered my expectations. At VCP EVERYTHING felt EXACTLY like school. Which if you have known me at all in these last couple of years, is a hell like no other and i will NOT do it for another 5 years!!!!! I barely made it through school.

At uni i was all "Wow" their expectations for my essay are pretty hard core... Databases and journals and all that. 1000 word formally structured lab reports. (Which im totally fine with. If anything it pissed me off to no end that that is supposed to be the limit for my flipping essay!)

Anyhow. Thats all i can bitch about. A twisted ankle has kept me pretty anti-social.

Oh and it would seem that my Wednesdays kind of suck.... Like every time. Maybe i was an idiot for not declaring it my "free" day just because i wanted dance classes in the middle. *Sighs*

I want breakfast :)